The last pair of pants

These are (this is?!?) my last pair of pants. Not because I can’t afford new ones. And not because the stores are all closed today. These are my last pair of pants because I refuse to buy any more. You see, my diet of late consists solely of EWTHIW (eating whatever the hell i want). This results in a metabolic phenomenon known as FAT, but only when properly combined with a sedentary lifestyle. It’s quite the accomplishment. I have managed to gain back almost all of the 30 pounds i lost last year.

Back to the pants, ‘cause that’s what’s really important here. I refuse to buy THAT size; you know – THAT size – the one you thought of back in your 20s as the “if i ever get THAT fat then life as i know it will basically be over”. Well here i am. I refuse to buy THAT size. I refuse to admit that life as i know it has to be over. Now comes the hard part. Where does one go to purchase a new waistline? No, I don’t mean which gym do i join. I don’t mean what sort of organic crap do i get from Whole Paycheck. I want to know where i can buy a new waistline. I’m employed. I even have a savings account. People of my means shouldn’t have to bother with the menial task of actually exerting oneself or, god forbid, reducing caloric intake. How gauche…

So here I sit, pondering whether i can actually fit into that last pair of pants. And hoping you good people can point me in the direction of the fairy dust of magic spell that will allow me to wear anything but THAT pair of pants.


“Are cannibals always mermaids?” It’s what we’ve all been wondering. Apparently.

I don’t re-blog often but this lady slays me; my mind works just like that! Enjoy…

The Bloggess

You know when you google something and it autocorrects to EXACTLY what you want?  No, you don’t.  Because that doesn’t happen.

Like when I was trying to figure out if women were ever cannibals, or if it’s more of an all-male profession and Google was all, “I’LL HELP YOU!”


First of all, you are not going to guess what I’m googling based on just the word “Are”.  Secondly, who is googling “Are you here?”  What are you expecting as an answer?

Then I kept typing and this happened:

are ca

Google:  “Oh, my bad.  You were looking for something else, obviously.  I’ll just let you finish -WAIT – IS IT, “ARE CARROTS GOOD FOR DOGS?“”

No, Google.  Of course it’s not.  Just.  Stop.   I don’t need your help.

are canGoogle:  “Oops.  Sorry.  I fucked up.  I’ll shut up and – “ARE CANDY CORNS GLUTEN FREE?“”

OMG, stop it, Google…

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What’s REALLY Going on in Crimea?

Seems plausible to me

My Not So Humble Opinion

There’s a lot of speculation going around lately about what’s the source of all the trouble in the Crimea region of Ukraine. Many are blaming Moscow for stirring up trouble, possibly as a precursor to an invasion. I’m here to reassure you now that the truth is something far, far more sinister:

It’s the people at Rand McNally.

To understand why, you have to go all the way back to the end of the 1980s and the beginning of the 1990s. Things were looking good at first for high school students; we had one less Germany to memorize for Geography class, and only one Berlin to worry about, but we still had it pretty easy as far as Eastern Europe and Asia went. Basically all you had to know was “U.S.S.R.” and “China” and you got at least a C.

Then suddenly the U.S.S.R. broke up without any warning, and…

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Scorched earth
Alpha to omega
The line in the sand

Please help. I need a good working title. Something catchy but also packs a punch. Gravitas; that’s what I need…

Dodging E.L.E: avoiding an extinction level event


You see, my wife and I are on a mission. We are going to eradicate debt before it eradicates us. My spending is atrocious by some standards; she’s better than I am in most areas. Our bills are not the end of the world but our emergency fund is anemic. Savings is almost non-existent. Retirement is too little too late – scratch that – its never too late.

But all that changes now
Hence forth, we shall be the un spenders. Retail outlets will speak of us only in whispers; of dark shadows in dark corners. Ghosts of spenders past, lurking out on the fringes of commerce

I’m thinking – Amish – without the beard

Cut and slash extraneous expenditures, sell unnecessary items to pay down the monster. Nothing is safe; you have been warned…

P.S. my next posting will come as soon as I can figure out how to upload papyrus

in sequential order; day unknown

i am once again up, awake, for no reason

no real or discernible reason, except that my brain won’t shut off

and yes the address of this blog is what it is because, like the title of the blog says: because what the hell am i thinking was already taken. and so begins the meaningless blog to get this shit out of my head on to a different substrate. i don’t actually know if thats physically possible, but that is my motivation.

because you see, i am tired of it, the thinking that is, no, not like i want to die, jeez, just want a switch to turn it off once in a while. i have a condition, with a known remedy – well it can be slowed down or arrested, if treated constantly with the solution. i know the solution is there and i use it on a regular basis. but sometimes i don’t use it at all, and sometimes i am trying to use the shit out of it but to no avail

the nature of the ailment is this: i am self-centered to the core – a lot more than most, but probably not as much as some. this causes a mutation in the brain that gets stuck on ‘what about me’. so i have been up for hours pondering the unfairness of the universe as it relates to me. its all about me. what i want. what i don’t want. what i like. what i don’t like. right now i don’t like

so i have tried the solution, and it has a component of writing, which i hate, but i am out of options at the moment. the availability of all the options is somewhat limited at the present time. poetry has been an avenue from time to time, but right now I’m not pissed enough to get the emotions out in that genre. it takes a lot of emotion, good or bad, to get the poem out of me. when they come though, they rock, at least i think so. i don’t know if its anything like musicians though, i wonder if they can just sit down and WHAM bust out a song. or, if its more like me and poetry – the highs and lows of life are the muse.

i am not sure how often, nor how plentiful these blogs will be, as this is the first. but i do know i need an outlet, a vent, and paper/pen is such a dated form. and besides, this is for me, not for you, but i have to admit i am curious to see if i get any followers.

still don’t know if i can sleep but at least i did SOMETHING